Be careful what you ask for, it just may come to pass…
When I’m triggered, I have a bad habit of being completely irresponsible with my thoughts and words. I obsess over how angry I am, or how much I don’t want something and project a lot of negative energy in the atmosphere not only to myself, but to other people as well. Rather than redirecting myself in the moment and pausing long enough to identify what the trigger is, and if I actually have the right to be angry at whatever triggered me, I often immediately go into a whirlwind of negative thoughts. Next thing I know, I’ve manifested an argument, an energetically disruptive environment, and distance between me and loved ones. It happens so quickly that it feels almost immediate for that negative thought to occur in the most dramatic and chaotic ways. Sometimes in fact most times not necessarily to my benefit.
At the same time, this is indeed a powerful tool to have access to. There’s a lot of good that can be done with that level of power when intentionally directed towards bringing forth something positive. I’ve seen the outcome of this side of the gift as well. I say all this to say, the negative side to this habit shouldn’t be nurtured, it has to be managed. Something that I’m committing to getting better at is being more responsible in the way I react to these triggers. While anger may be my go to reason, it’s typically much deeper than being angry. My anger is a warning signal. A red flag to get my attention, because there’s something else that’s even deeper than what’s triggering me, that needs my attention.
I’ve hidden so much from myself and worked so hard to become emotionless, that something as seemingly simple as admitting that I’m hurt, feels like pulling teeth. Acknowledging that I feel disappointed, confused, disregarded, etc can be so challenging to readily identify. Anger then becomes the go-to expression, and reacting with anger is what then becomes the way I “deal” with the feelings I’m not quite in touch with on the inside.
After wallowing about it, disconnecting from reality about it, coming back to myself to realize I’m trippin about it, and going to therapy about it; things then come full circle to bring me back to the core. The need to get back to the basics of asking myself five simple questions that Iya gave me years ago, called The Core 5:
What, specifically, do I feel?
Why do I feel it (what triggered it)?
Where in my body do I feel it?
Where did it come from (earliest memory)?
Now what... how can these revelations guide me?
These questions have never failed to guide me. In fact so much of my healing started and has happened as a result of these questions, long before I began being consistent with therapy. I tend to make big deals out of little deals, when all it would take is sticking to the basics of what I know.
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